3 am.
I am wide awake. Heart beat racing. Am I finding it difficult to breathe? Hmmm... maybe the AC isn't working properly. Oh I accidentally switched off the AC.
Hmmm... Feeling a bit better now.
No... wait !!! Heartbeat still racing.
Today was the first day of work. Is the idea of working again really making me THAT nervous?
I find myself googling 'Nervous Breakdown'. I think it wouldn't help to check out the list of symptoms.
A voice in my head says, 'Taran... if you are calm enough to google it, you are
probably not experiencing it.'
Makes sense.
So it's been quite some time since I actually did any work for a pay and the film I had been waiting for almost a year is finally starting.
New people. New office. New everything. That nagging feeling of 'Have I forgotten how to do what I am being hired to do?' 'Will the people on this film like and appreciate me as much as much as the people on the last film?' 'Do I even know how to do my job or were the last two films just a fluke...errr..twice'
Yes the insecurities of going back to work were dancing in my head as I stepped into the office the first day. And I wasn't sure how the rest of the team would react to me (and vice versa).
The day went by smoothly. In fact it was great. Every member of the team was super sweet and one couldn't ask for better colleagues. Was this my confident voice that filled the room time and again? It must be, or these people just liked staring at me intently from time to time.
And yet, I found myself sitting wide awake at 3 am that night. So it was definitely not the work environment nor the work itself that was bothering me crazy.
What was it?
While still trying to find the answer to that question, I see a notification pop up on my facebook page. A friend who I worked with on my last film commented on a photo of mine. Its me...on the sets...busy with the shoot... 25 KGs heavier... me !!!
And that is when it hit me. The reason for my immense fear.
I was scared. Very scared. Most definitely sure that going back to work will make me fat again.
Now it may seem like a trivial issue to most people. Maybe even provide fodder for amusement. But to me this was damn serious. After all it drove me to a Nervous Breakdown
(Fine... Googling about it, but still !!!)
How will I maintain my diet? Will I get my boiled eggs and grilled chicken breasts on set?
What about my gym? Will I be able to work out even 3 days a week?
Its 4 am.
I want to call my parents and tell them I need therapy. Clearly such paranoia over my weight couldn't be healthy. I get thoughts like, "Do I really want to be an Assistant Director?'
'Wouldn't I just be happier writing scripts and selling them at my own pace?'
That would give me all the time in the world to eat properly and workout daily.
5 a.m.
No... this is my dream. I might not lose more weight during the shoot, but I wouldn't let it pile back on. I'll do this. I can do this. I must do this film.
6 am -
Googling 'Insomnia'
